The atmosphere in the Greater Des Moines Botanical Garden was electric as base supporters and avid gardeners alike packed the greenhouse for the first Demoplantic debate of the 2020 election.
Millions of Americans tuned in for this no hose-barred event to watch bushes in decorative pots shoot their shot for a chance to become leader of the free world.
In case you missed it, here’s a quick breakdown of the plantidates from last night's debate.
Coming out as the 2020 frontrunner, Fern is a tall, versatile plant whose flowing green branches have voters enamored. Critics of the plant, warn that her purely ornamental nature could cause chaos in the executive branch. However, she believes that her adaptable soil will prove she’s tough enough for even the harshest oval office conditions.
Fern has little political experience but has shown a tolerance for high temperatures that prove she can stand the heat of American politics.
Some say it will be hard to forget she’s not just a thoughtful housewarming gift. But, the debate last night proved she’s more than just a pretty vase. This nomination is hers to lose.
The oldest candidate in the race by about six centuries, age will definitely have an impact on Bonsai’s electability. His horticulturist says he’s ready to grow, but voters seem skeptical.
Bonsai is using age to his advantage, citing his time in John Adam’s sunroom as ‘relevant experience’. He is a notorious micromanager, but fans of the plant say that type of discipline is exactly what the White House needs.
Bonsai is not just a tree, he’s a way of life, but after his underwhelming performance in the debate last night this plant is going to need a lot of inner harmonies to achieve his path to presidential victory.
Aloe Vera, 37
If there’s one candidate that’s got what it takes to heal the country, it’s Aloe Vera.
The coolest candidate in the race, Aloe Vera is a home remedy plant known for her work on bad breath, constipation, and really bad sunburns. Despite being in nearly every American’s home, Aloe has yet to translate her familiarity into trust with the American public.
Last night the audience did give the presidential hopeful a standing ovation after she pledged to “Clean and Heal America”. Her message, though a touch literal, could help ignite the passionate following a candidate needs to win.
Cannabis Sativa, 63
Stoners everywhere cry tears of joy.
Although not technically a houseplant, recent drug law changes have turned Cannabis into a household name. Supporters of the herb say they like her out of baggie thinking and believe the only way to elevate the country is to elect a president that can actually get you high.
Weed’s outsider status hasn’t prevented her from securing top political endorsements, in addition to tremendous support from the music industry. Everyone from Willie to Jay is eager to roll with Mrs. Marijuana and it could be just the edge a candidate needs to propel themselves to victory.
Still a Schedule 1 narcotic, Weed faces reticence from more traditional voters. One baby boomer in the crowd was escorted out of the garden after demanding the candidate ‘get a job’ and ‘stop being a socialist’.
But, the rest of the evening was smooth sailing for the psychedelic herb and Weed is hoping that she can turn her 420 energy into a 2020 presidency.
When it comes to politics these plants mean business. And If there’s anything to be gained from last night's debate its this: House Plant 2020 is for real.
Sure, they lack political experience and conscious thought, but at this point, does it even matter?